Fun!

[The Flying Dutchman]

When Fred found out he was going to inherit a fortune, when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said, ”Where are you, you know we have lots to do?!”

He said, “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?  I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.

“Yes, I do remember that shop….” she replied.

“Well I am in the bar next to that.”

[Tumtum]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “ok, old fart, time to retire.”

The old rooster replies, “come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.”

The old rooster says, “I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs.

“You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start.”

So, they get a chicken to cluck “Go!”, and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's already about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, “Dang it… third gay rooster I bought this month.”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

All tests came back looking good, and the doctor sits down to discuss the results with him.

“Well, Eric, physiologically everything looks good.  How are you doing emotionally and mentally?  Are you feeling content, and how's your faith these days?

“God and I are on great terms.  He knows that I see so poorly these days, so now whenever I go to the bathroom at night, then ‘poof' - the light turns on!  And when I'm done peeing, then ‘poof' - the light turns off again!”

“Fantastic! That sounds marvelous,” says the doctor.

A couple of days later the doctor calls Eric's wife: “Good day, Anna.  Eric's vitals are looking good, and he seems to be doing well. The reason for my call is his relation to God.  Is it really true that whenever he goes to empty his bladder at night, then ‘poof' - the bathroom light turns on? And when he's done, then ‘poof' - the light turns off again?”

Eric's wife sighs: “That old fool.  He has started peeing in the fridge again…”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”

She frowned and said, “The postman.”

“Why the postman?”

“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn't have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.  That was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, “I'm feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You've probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As the left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.”

[Penetru]

Poză din noaptea de sâmbătă spre duminică.

[The Flying Dutchman]

The little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.

Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb.

Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair… She looks at him, beckons, and says, “Have lovemaking with me, or climb the ladder to success.”

Well, having no intention of doing anything with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder.

A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant.

“Have lovemaking with me, or climb the ladder to success”, she says.

Again, the man elects to continue his climb.

Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing.

“Have lovemaking with me, or climb the ladder to success.”

Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.

A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful.

In a sultry voice she says, “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.”

Well, needless to say he is very tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher.

On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty…

“Who are you?” our climber asks in horror.

Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, “Hi! I'm Cess.”

[apriliacluj]

who the f*uck is Cess??

 

 

sau o sa-l cunoastem si noi dupa alegeri, cand o sa apara noile taxe si impozite????

[The Flying Dutchman]

1 hour ago, apriliacluj said:

who the f*uck is Cess??

sau o sa-l cunoastem si noi dupa alegeri, cand o sa apara noile taxe si impozite????

Never climb the ladder when a pretty girl tells you to go and SuckCess.:))

 

On:

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What's the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what's the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[apriliacluj]

Acum 40 minute, The Flying Dutchman a spus:

Never climb the ladder when a pretty girl tells you to go and SuckCess.:))

thx, got it!

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

 

 

2 hours ago, apriliacluj said:

thx, got it!

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A husband and wife have four sons.

The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”

The wife replied, “I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son.”

With that, the husband passed away.

The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.”

[Microbec]

 

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and ugly, they don’t have jobs and hate children.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short, but handsome, have decent jobs, and hate children.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and handsome, have well paying jobs, don’t really care for children, but want to get married.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall, handsome, have all the money in the world, are romantic and sensual, love children, are not jealous, and will marry you on the spot.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. Please go down on the escalator to your right.”