Fun!

[Penetru]

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”

[ENEOS]

[Microbec]

Overheard at a grocery store while waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in some foreign language. Ahead of her was a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.

Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America we speak English.”

Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

[Kagemusha]

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle.

A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?"

"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.

"Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?"

"Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.

[Microbec]

[Penetru]

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

[apriliacluj]

Auuuuch, that hurts

[Microbec]

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches or buses.

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn’t turn up for work.

“Oh well”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “we’d better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant…”

“Err… no”, said the Council, “that parking is your responsibility.”

“Err… no”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn’t he?”

*

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($ 7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

[ENEOS]

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big "S" on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he's flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, "Look at that S-Car-Go!"

[Penetru]

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Oops!

2. Has anyone seen my watch?

3. That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

4. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

5. Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

6. Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

7. Damn, there go the lights again…

8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

[ENEOS]

.

Editat Martie 9 de ENEOS

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.   Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 16-18 men’s work boots.

2.   Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of „Guns & Ammo” magazine.

3.   Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4.   Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit-bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.

I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Coote

[Microbec]

[Kagemusha]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”