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This topic is intended for those who want to share humor in english. :)

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The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit...'
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
I tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
I laughed, 'Ah-ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second opinion - PRICELESS...

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Acum 7 ore, Penetru a spus:

Pentru Ion Iliescu "ză dacs cam from ză tracs", de la gugăl transleit:

 

Doctorul a spus: „Harry, vestea bună este că vă pot vindeca durerile de cap. Vestea proastă este

nu mai poluați topicul cu limba română 😜

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IMG-20240114-WA0003.jpg

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HIGH SCHOOL - 1954 vs. 2024

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1954 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2024 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1954 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2024 - Police called and SWAT team arrives - they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1954 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2024 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1954 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2024 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1954 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2024 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1954 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2024 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1954 - Ants die.
2024 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1954 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2024 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

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Da nu mai bine mutati Fun-ul langa Hai sa radem, inglish inglish, da tot ai nostri posteaza (mostly 9gag stuff)? 

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Why don't black kids play in sandboxes?
Cats keep covering them up.

 

What do you say to a black man in uniform?
I'd like a Big Mac with fries and a coke.

 

What do you say to a black man in a 3-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

 

How was breakdancing invented?
Blacks trying to steal the hubcaps off of moving cars.

 

What's the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

 

Why do black people always have that funky walk?
From dodging a coathanger the first 9 months of their lives.

 

Why are blacks so good at basketball?
It involves their 3 favorite pastimes: running, shooting, and stealing.

 

Why don't blacks and Mexicans interbreed?
They don't want kids too lazy to steal.

 

Why do so many blacks move to Detroit?
They heard there was no jobs there.

 

Why do niggers stink?
So blind people can hate them too.

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Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life - just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is city in Africa.

 

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

 

"I was a father all my life,

I had no children, had no wife,

I read the bible through and through

on my way to Timbuktu ... "

 

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.

But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

 

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went

We met three women cheap to rent.

But they were three and we were two,

So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, US, Japan, India and so on.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
And they lived happily ever after.

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