FUN

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man wanted to become a monk. The head monk said to him, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The man agreed and after the first three years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the man.

“Well”, the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

An American steps into an Irish pub. He says, ‘I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet and no-one takes up the Texan's offer.  One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ‘Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman.

The Texan says ‘Yes' and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman his money and says, ‘If you don't mind me askin', where did you go for the past 30 minutes?'.

The Irishman replies, ‘Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?”

‘Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Lisa O'Shanter?”

“I'll never tell.”

“Was it Cathy O'Dell?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Fiona Mallory?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Brenda O'Malley, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”

“Yes, Father.”

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

Tommy replies, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.

“Well,” said Paddy, “there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”

“That's who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”

“That'll be me then,” said Paddy.

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks.

My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.

I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman.

“Mom, what’s this?” I asked.

“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered.

“Is it working?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Six engineers and six mathematicians are attending a conference and are traveling by train.

One by one, each of the mathematicians goes up to the ticket counter and buys a ticket to the conference. But only one of the engineers does.

The math majors started laughing and snickering.

The twelve get on the same car and one of the engineers stands at each end of the car. Now the mathematicians are really puzzled.

After a while, one of the look outs, yells, “Conductor!” On that cue, all the engineers pile into the rest room and lock the door.

The conductor enters the car and announces, “Tickets, please. Tickets!” He passes the mathematicians and punches each of their tickets. At the end of the car, he notices the restroom is occupied and knocks on the door, “Ticket, please.” The ticket slides out from under the door, he punches it and slides it back, then leaves the car and continues to the next car.

The mathematicians look at each other and decide how clever the engineers were, and then wink at each other.

They all attend the conference and have a good time.

Upon arriving at the train station, again only one of the engineers buys a ticket. The mathematicians do not buy any.

This time the engineers start laughing and snickering.

On the train all the mathematicians sit down and the engineers post their lookouts.

One engineer, peers down a couple of cars and shouts, “Conductor!”

Immediately all the engineers pile into the rest room, while all the mathematicians pile into the other.

Just before the conductor gets there, one of the mathematicians slips out, runs down to the other restroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

[popp]

La 16.09.2024 la 9:26, The Flying Dutchman a spus:

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 – I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

:)))))

[The Flying Dutchman]

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Moshe Goldberg, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.

Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.”

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall and they hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

[Penetru]

[Lup69]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man and his wife are at a restaurant and the wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging his gin at a nearby table.

Her husband asks, “Do you know him?”

“Yes,” sighs the wife. “He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says the husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

[Microbec]