FUN

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What's the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what's the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A husband and wife have four sons.

The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”

The wife replied, “I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son.”

With that, the husband passed away.

The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.”

[Lup69]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A guy asked a girl in the library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I don't want to spend the night with you.”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and told him,

“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, “$200 just for one night? That's too much.”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”

Editat August 5 de The Flying Dutchman

[The Flying Dutchman]

[Penetru]

As a veterinarian I have a job at the zoo, performing circumcisions on elefants.

Monthly payment is not much but the tips are huuuuge!

[The Flying Dutchman]

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch when one of them says, “I know that I'm going to have a boy.”

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, “OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?”

“Well, when the child was conceived,” says the first woman, “I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy.”

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, “Well, I'm going to have a girl.”

“Okay,” says the first one, “How do you know you're going to have a girl?”

“Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl.”

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally, she breaks down into horrible sobbing.

“What's wrong, what's wrong?” the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing… “I'm going to have a puppy!”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,

‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?’

And so, here we are!”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, we are going on a business trip.”

The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for two days so take care of yourself.”

The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun.”

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”

The boy calls his grandfather, “Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together.”

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled, I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson.”

The secretary calls husband, “I won't be going.”

The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry, my wife is not going.”

The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”

Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa I've classes.”

The grandpa calls secretary…

[ENEOS]

 

I'm the man!

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy.

“Oh, my Lord,” says Father Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir… Wait… it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy. No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).  Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

[The Flying Dutchman]

David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

[Lup69]