The Flying Dutchman

An American steps into an Irish pub. He says, ‘I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.' The room is quiet and no-one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ‘Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman. The Texan says ‘Yes' and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman his money and says, ‘If you don't mind me askin', where did you go for the past 30 minutes?'. The Irishman replies, ‘Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

A man wanted to become a monk. The head monk said to him, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed and after the first three years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?” “Food cold!” the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?” “Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?” “I quit!” said the man. “Well”, the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you, sir? The man says, “Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out of the window.” The desk clerk says, “I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter.” The man replies, “Listen, you idiot! The window won't open and that's clearly a maintenance issue.”

A lady walks into a pet store. She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10. The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?” The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.” The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking.” The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight.” The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says “Hi, Jim!”

Da, da' acolo e miezu', tara tuturor posibilitatilor! Si bune, dar mai ales si rele.

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad. The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men’s jobs, and why they were at the beach. “I’m a construction worker,” said the first man. “All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that’s a win-win.” “I’m an accountant,” said the second man. “I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same.” The first two men turned to the third, sad man. “What do you do?” they asked. “I’m a pickpocket,” said the third man. “My doctor sent me here.”

The little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.” The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven.” The little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

Ralph slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.” Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!” St Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You've got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.” Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?” “Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!” “You're ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!”

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can’t hear him. “How bad is it?” the doctor asks. “I have no idea”, the husband says. “Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.” So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: “What are we having for dinner?” No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, he’s standing right behind her: “What's for dinner?” She turns around, looks at him and say's: “For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!”

A police officer approaches the driver's door. “Is there a problem, Officer?” The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?” The driver responds, “I'd give it to you but I don't have one.” “You don't have one?” The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.” The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?” “I'm sorry, I can't do that.” The policeman says, “Why not?” “I stole this car.” The officer says, “Stole it?” The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.” At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?” “He's in the boot if you want to see.” The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!” The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?” “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.” “Murdered the owner?” The officer responds, “Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please?” The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, “Is this your car sir?” The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.” The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 – I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

Three friends go boat fishing, a priest, a rabbi and an atheist. The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat. The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says, “Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!” And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat. The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it's impact on the world, he says, “Yeah… I left my extra line on land”. The atheist hops out of the boat and, “SPLASH!“, he sinks right through to the bottom of the lake. After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says, “Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were.”

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone. “But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?” “I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset… Tell mother what four-letter words he used.” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”

Nu e perfect, dar se aude mult mai bine de data asta.