The Flying Dutchman

Small shopping

A family takes their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It's pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won't let you fart.”

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St Peter was standing there waiting for her. He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?” “I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.” St Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while. She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever. The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe. “How are you feeling? Aren't you in pain?” the midwife asked him. “Oh no, I'm feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”

As Mr Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. Mr Smith told them, “I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.” All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.” The doctor then said, “Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.” The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”

Johnny fell in love, so he asks his father. “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!” “That's great son! Who is she?” “It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.” “Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.” The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later he fell in love again. “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!” “That's great son! Who is she?” “It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter.” “Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.” This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. “Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!” The mother hugs him affectionately and says “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He isn't your father.”

Hai, sa nu o dam de gard cu ce fac posesorii cu motocicleta! Chiar considerand si 99% in loc de 90%, asta nu inseamna ca e un tourer. AT e in alta categorie, scopul ei este altul. Si eu fac cateodata touring cu scuterul, precum @ianachim, iar uneori ies cu el si in afara asfaltului, dar asta nu baga scuterul in categoria tourer si nici enduro, nu?

A man drives his date up to lovers’ lane and parks. “I have to be honest with you” the woman says as the guy makes his move. ”I’m a call girl”. The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he’s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it. After they finish, the guy says, “Now I should be honest too. I’m a cab driver and it’s going to cost you $25 to get back to town.”

Eu as intreba de unde si pana unde AT e tourer? Motivatia e aceeasi ca a lui @ENEOS.

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. “Hi darling”, he says. “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said hello to them.”

A man and his wife are at a restaurant and the wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging his gin at a nearby table. Her husband asks, “Do you know him?” “Yes,” sighs the wife. “He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” “My God!” says the husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Nu e nicio miscare pe aici de ani buni. Intreaba mai degraba motociclistii din oras cand ii intalnesti. Daca nu, e @Lucian_M, aproape de tine, cred ca undeva la 80 km.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall and they hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Pretul.

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?”

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?” “Well,” said Moshe Goldberg, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

Six engineers and six mathematicians are attending a conference and are traveling by train. One by one, each of the mathematicians goes up to the ticket counter and buys a ticket to the conference. But only one of the engineers does. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The twelve get on the same car and one of the engineers stands at each end of the car. Now the mathematicians are really puzzled. After a while, one of the look outs, yells, “Conductor!” On that cue, all the engineers pile into the rest room and lock the door. The conductor enters the car and announces, “Tickets, please. Tickets!” He passes the mathematicians and punches each of their tickets. At the end of the car, he notices the restroom is occupied and knocks on the door, “Ticket, please.” The ticket slides out from under the door, he punches it and slides it back, then leaves the car and continues to the next car. The mathematicians look at each other and decide how clever the engineers were, and then wink at each other. They all attend the conference and have a good time. Upon arriving at the train station, again only one of the engineers buys a ticket. The mathematicians do not buy any. This time the engineers start laughing and snickering. On the train all the mathematicians sit down and the engineers post their lookouts. One engineer, peers down a couple of cars and shouts, “Conductor!” Immediately all the engineers pile into the rest room, while all the mathematicians pile into the other. Just before the conductor gets there, one of the mathematicians slips out, runs down to the other restroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. “Mom, what’s this?” I asked. “Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered. “Is it working?” I asked. “Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. “Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy. “Well,” said Paddy, “there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.” “That's who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.” “That'll be me then,” said Paddy.

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?” ‘Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” “I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Lisa O'Shanter?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Cathy O'Dell?” “I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Fiona Mallory?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Brenda O'Malley, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.” “Yes, Father.” Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?” Tommy replies, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”

An American steps into an Irish pub. He says, ‘I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.' The room is quiet and no-one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ‘Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman. The Texan says ‘Yes' and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman his money and says, ‘If you don't mind me askin', where did you go for the past 30 minutes?'. The Irishman replies, ‘Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

A man wanted to become a monk. The head monk said to him, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed and after the first three years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?” “Food cold!” the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?” “Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?” “I quit!” said the man. “Well”, the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you, sir? The man says, “Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out of the window.” The desk clerk says, “I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter.” The man replies, “Listen, you idiot! The window won't open and that's clearly a maintenance issue.”