Fun!

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket.

“Hey - check this out,” he said to his wife, “this stub is 20 years old. I wonder if the shop still has the shoes.”

So the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes.

The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes. When he returned, he replied happily, “Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes. They'll be ready next Thursday.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man just bought a new Ferrari and he decides to take it out for a spin.

As he's driving, he starts speeding down the road that he's driving. He suddenly notices a police car is behind him with his lights flashing and siren wailing. The man floors the gas pedal and takes off.

A few moments in the speedy chase the man thinks, “What the hell am I doing? This isn't worth going to jail!” He pulls over and the cop approaches the car.

“Listen, we both know that you were speeding. My shift is over in 5 minutes and if I write you a ticket, there's going to be paperwork that I don't want to do. If you can give me one good reason as to why you're speeding, I'll let you go.”

The man thinks for a moment and says, “Well officer, just recently my wife decided to run off with a police officer and when you were chasing me, I thought you were bringing her back.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.

This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!”

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A wife decides to take her husband, James, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, James! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says James. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks James if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around James, and says “Hi, James. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

James’ wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

James follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, James.”

[Penetru]

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[The Flying Dutchman]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched up his gun belt, and said, “I do… Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is almost dead!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water, and soon he was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe!” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy says, “Nothin’, but you left your Injun runnin’!”

[Microbec]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

 

[Penetru]

Cele mai bune glume sunt cele rasiste.

[The Flying Dutchman]

A father waits for Little Johnny to come home from school.

The son is an hour late.

“Where were you?” asks the father.

Little Johnny: “I helped a Granny cross the road!”

Father: “I’m proud of you! Such a fine deed deserves to be rewarded - here’s $5.”

The next day, the father is waiting again.

The Little Johnny shows up with a friend.

“Why are you late? and who’s that with you?” asks the father.

“He’s a classmate. We helped two Grannies cross the road!” says Little Johnny.

The father, impressed: “That’s wonderful. You both deserve to be rewarded - here’s $5 each!”

The next day the father is waiting again.

Several hours pass before the son shows up after school.

Behind him are most of his classmates.

The father, surprised:

“Why are you so late from school, and who are all these kids?”

“They are my classmates.” says the Little Johnny. “We worked together to help dozens of Grannies cross the road.”

“That’s great!” says the father “here’s $5 for your efforts.”

“Father, since they all pitched in, you should reward them too.”

“Helping old ladies cross the road is a simple task. Why did so many of you need to pitch in?”

“Because the grannies resisted.”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the restaurant had no steps and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because they had never been there before.

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone… yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you… can’t wait to see you… we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.

“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.

The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”

“That's really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“I'm 93,” said the first old man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.

“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”

“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.

“I'm 91,” said the second old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.

“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”

“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“29,” replied the third man.

[ENEOS]

[The Flying Dutchman]

We were fooling around, the passion started to heat up, when she suddenly says: “I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?”

Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…

“You're just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She saw my puzzled look and said, “Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I decided to take the day off work to spend time with her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.  She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her “we'll just buy them all”.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said “let’s get a pair for each outfit.”

We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited.  She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That's fine, honey.” She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don't feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”

Then I said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

In a convent in Kenya, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader…

“Mother.” The nuns asked earnestly. “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “DON'T SELL THAT COW.”

[Microbec]