Fun!

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.

Where did I get this blackeye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,

‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?’

And so, here we are!”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, we are going on a business trip.”

The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for two days so take care of yourself.”

The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun.”

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, “No tuition this weekend.”

The boy calls his grandfather, “Grandpa, at last we can spend this weekend together.”

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, “Business trip is cancelled, I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson.”

The secretary calls husband, “I won't be going.”

The husband calls his girlfriend, “I am sorry, my wife is not going.”

The girlfriend calls boy, “You have tuition.”

Boy calls his grandpa and says, “Sorry grandpa, I've classes.”

The grandpa calls secretary…

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy.

“Oh my Lord,” says Father Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir… Wait… it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy. No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).  Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

[ENEOS]

  

Editat Aprilie 26 de ENEOS

[The Flying Dutchman]

David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

[ENEOS]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

An elderly couple talk in the evening:

“Honey, I'm so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“And that helps?”

“Yes, because I'm using your toothbrush.”

[Microbec]

[ENEOS]

[The Flying Dutchman]

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this:

 

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

and, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it’s the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow. One day he notices he is wearing earrings and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

He walks up to him and says, “I didn't know you were into earrings.”

“Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

[Lup69]

https://fb.watch/rLA4KgPT6t/

 

[ENEOS]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God says “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.

The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.

God says: “Say no more.”

Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven.

God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice say: “All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore”.

God says: “Say no more.”

And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.

The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.

God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lesson about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says.

“That's cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

“Oh yeah," says Carrie's father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”