FUN

[The Flying Dutchman]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,' he said, ‘careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stıck! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them! You know you always forget to salt them! Use the! Salt! Use the salt! The salt!'
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[The Flying Dutchman]

 

 

A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes. It's just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren't you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball. I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”

[Penetru]

 

 

"I want to return my Lada. Uphill it only goes up to 75"

" 75 uphill sounds pretty good to me"

"Yes but i live at house number 80"

 

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

A father tests his twin boys on Christmas. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

[The Flying Dutchman]

 

 

A woman writes in to a men's helpline:

 

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with our neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

[apriliacluj]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year." Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life - just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And they lived happily ever after.

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Penetru]

Nu mai au valoare banii...

 

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

Global warming? 

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

[Microbec]

[Leon]

Acum 1 oră, Microbec a spus:

Sportiva sta pe loc...uitati-va la roti. Chiar era interesanta treaba daca era pe bune poza.

 

[tourist1]

Acum 14 minute, Leon a spus:

Sportiva sta pe loc...uitati-va la roti. Chiar era interesanta treaba daca era pe bune poza.

 

Este reala. 

Pare facuta pe Mulholland.

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

An old lady goes to the doctor. She mentions that no matter what when she farts, they are always silent and don’t smell. To illustrate her point, she lets one go.
Old lady: “See, Doctor, it was silent, and I don’t smell anything.”
Doctor: “I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back in a week and see how you are progressing.”
One week later, the old lady comes back.
Old lady: “I don’t know what you gave me, doc, but now my farts smell horrible!” Doctor: “Great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.”

[Lup69]

12 hours ago, Leon said:

Sportiva sta pe loc...uitati-va la roti. Chiar era interesanta treaba daca era pe bune poza.

 

 1st of all you should answer in English, 2nd consider how strong is the biker that can support the bike, himself and the passenger only with his knee...

12 hours ago, tourist1 said:

Este reala. 

Pare facuta pe Mulholland.

 

U2!!

[The Flying Dutchman]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?”

The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?”

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.

The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”