Fun!

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.

“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

[ENEOS]

[The Flying Dutchman]

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

 

Oldies but goldies.

Editat Martie 24 de The Flying Dutchman

[Kagemusha]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.

“Bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!”

The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.

The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

The IRS agent is dumbfounded.

The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye.

The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees.

The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.

The old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.”

The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.

The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork.

The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.

“Are you all right?” asks the agent.

“No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it.”

[The Flying Dutchman]

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

“I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want 100 dollars, and there's another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:

“Paint my house.”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool”!

The Lord said, “Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet”!

Next the giraffe complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me”!

The Lord said, “Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance”.

The hen spoke up, “Lord, I don't want to complain… but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs”.

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband’s pulse, then told the woman, “I’m sorry, your husband is dead.”

The woman was shocked. “I don’t believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?”

The doctor responded, “I’m quite sure, but if you’d like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform.”

“YES! I have to be absolutely certain.”

The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, “send in Mrs. Fluffkins!”

In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman’s husband, the cat swatted at the man’s face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.

“Just as I thought,” said the doctor. “Dead. Send in Walter!”

In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman’s husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor’s gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.

“Just as I thought,” said the doctor. “Dead. Send in Collin!”

Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, “OY CUNT YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN’ DEAD” and walked out of the room.

“Thank you Collin,” said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall “Ma’am can you come in here?”

An elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.

The doctor looked at the card, “Dead. Thank you ma’am, that’ll be all.”

The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband’s lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.

“I’m sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead.” He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. “Take this to the front desk and they’ll check you out.”

The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.

The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, “I’m sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000.”

“32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can’t possibly be right, I’ve never paid that much to see the doctor.”

The receptionist looked over the paper again, “Well it’s $100 copay for the doctor’s visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma’am-ogram, and a stool analysis.”

[Penetru]

[apriliacluj]

Acum 21 ore, Kagemusha a spus:

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.

“Bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!”

The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.

The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

The IRS agent is dumbfounded.

The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye.

The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees.

The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.

The old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.”

The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.

The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork.

The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.

“Are you all right?” asks the agent.

“No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it.”

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

On 2/16/2024 at 8:12 PM, Penetru said:

Postat pe 16 februarie

 

On 3/23/2024 at 8:19 PM, Penetru said:

Postat pe 23 februarie

 

35 minutes ago, Penetru said:

Postat pe 25 martie

Recomand una din astea, ca e mai ieftin.

 

On:

A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.

“I dream they were auctioning off tool in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”

“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.

“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.

“I had a dream too,” started the husband.

“I dream they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”

“And how much for the ones like mine?” enquirer the wife to her husband.

“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.

[Penetru]

Probabil am băut o cafea ieftină...

 

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

14 minutes ago, Penetru said:

Probabil am băut o cafea ieftină...

 

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends. She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: “Go on climb that tree.”

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: “oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.”

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met that boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

When she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: “My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.”

The girl replied and said: “No actually I tricked him, this time I did not wear any pants!”

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad.

In fact, he had never even seen her undressed.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her underwear.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped.

She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said.

“I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing an undressed, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”

[Microbec]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

There was a woman and a baby in the doctor's examination room, waiting for the doctor to take the child's first examination.

The doctor came and examined the baby, looked at the baby's weight and seemed a little concerned, and asked if the baby was breast or bottle fed.

"Breastfed," she replied.

"Lower your waist," said the doctor. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed both breasts, kneaded them, rubbed them for a while, and did a thorough examination. He gestured for her to put on her clothes and said:

"No wonder this baby is underweight, you have no milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.

[Penetru]

Pare că podul de la Baltimore s-a sinucis.

 

 

Sau cineva pe navă a stins lumina?

 

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

A couple comes up to a wishing well.

The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, “Son of a bitch! It works!”

[Microbec]