FUN

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her undressed.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her underwear.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said.

“I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. “You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing an undressed, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

There was a woman and a baby in the doctor's examination room, waiting for the doctor to take the child's first examination.

The doctor came and examined the baby, looked at the baby's weight and seemed a little concerned, and asked if the baby was breast or bottle fed.

"Breastfed," she replied.

"Lower your waist," said the doctor. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed both breasts, kneaded them, rubbed them for a while, and did a thorough examination. He gestured for her to put on her clothes and said:

"No wonder this baby is underweight, you have no milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

[Lup69]

[ENEOS]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A couple comes up to a wishing well.

The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, “Son of a bitch! It works!”

[ENEOS]

[The Flying Dutchman]

[Lup69]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Contabil]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket.

“Hey - check this out,” he said to his wife, “this stub is 20 years old. I wonder if the shop still has the shoes.”

So the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes.

The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes. When he returned, he replied happily, “Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes. They'll be ready next Thursday.”

[Penetru]

 

 

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man just bought a new Ferrari and he decides to take it out for a spin.

As he's driving, he starts speeding down the road that he's driving. He suddenly notices a police car is behind him with his lights flashing and siren wailing. The man floors the gas pedal and takes off.

A few moments in the speedy chase the man thinks, “What the hell am I doing? This isn't worth going to jail!” He pulls over and the cop approaches the car.

“Listen, we both know that you were speeding. My shift is over in 5 minutes and if I write you a ticket, there's going to be paperwork that I don't want to do. If you can give me one good reason as to why you're speeding, I'll let you go.”

The man thinks for a moment and says, “Well officer, just recently my wife decided to run off with a police officer and when you were chasing me, I thought you were bringing her back.”

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.

This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

[Microbec]

[Lup69]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A wife decides to take her husband, James, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, James! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says James. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks James if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around James, and says “Hi, James. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

James’ wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

James follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, James.”

[ENEOS]

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the restaurant had no steps and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because they had never been there before.

[Microbec]

[The Flying Dutchman]

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.

“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.

The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”

“That's really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“I'm 93,” said the first old man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.

“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”

“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.

“I'm 91,” said the second old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.

“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”

“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“29,” replied the third man.