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Three nuns died in a fiery bus crash....

 

St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them to heaven. "Welcome, my dear sisters. We are glad to have you here, but unfortunately, we are having some issues with restructuring at the moment, so all souls that come here for the next week will be allowed to live a week in the life of a person they choose."

The first nun shyly came forward and said, "I'd like to live a week as Joan of Arc, who gave her life and died so tragically young serving her people." St. Peter smiled and granted her wish. The nun smiled broadly and disappeared in a flash of warm light.

The second nun said, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa, as she gave so much of her life helping others and brought so much happiness to the world." St. Peter gently hugged the nun and sent her on her way.

The third nun, who was slightly illiterate, came forward and said firmly, "I'd like to be Alice Kapiplean."

"Say what?" asked St. Peter.

"Alice Kapiplean," the nun said, enunciating clearly.

St. Peter flipped through his records, then shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, sister, but we have no record of an Alice Kapiplean."

"Well, your records are wrong! See here?" said the nun, brandishing a newspaper and pointing at the headline.

St. Peter looked at it and shook his head. "Sister, you've read the headline wrong. It says here that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 70,000 men in 8 years!"

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Preferatele mele, le spun când merg în GB, asta şi cea cu Denise, cu femeia care a născut când era în comă.

I was dancing with a woman this one time and she said "ooh you smell nice, what have you got on"

I said "i have got a hard on, i didnt know you could smell it though"

 

 

 

 

Here is the hearing version of that joke:

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....that was me."

 

 

 

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As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

“How did everything go?” her mom asked.

“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”

“I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!”

“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset… Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”

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Three friends go boat fishing, a priest, a rabbi and an atheist.

The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says, “Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!” And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it's impact on the world, he says, “Yeah… I left my extra line on land”.

The atheist hops out of the boat and, “SPLASH!“, he sinks right through to the bottom of the lake.

After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says, “Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were.”

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La 12.09.2024 la 13:22, Penetru a spus:

Preferatele mele, le spun când merg în GB, asta şi cea cu Denise, cu femeia care a născut când era în comă.

I was dancing with a woman this one time and she said "ooh you smell nice, what have you got on"

I said "i have got a hard on, i didnt know you could smell it though"

 

 

 

 

Here is the hearing version of that joke:

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....that was me."

 

 

 

:)))))

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