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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 – I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

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A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: That's not too bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: Denephew, logically!

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A police officer approaches the driver's door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?”

The driver responds, “I'd give it to you but I don't have one.”

“You don't have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I'm sorry, I can't do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“He's in the boot if you want to see.”

The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup.

Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can’t hear him.

“How bad is it?” the doctor asks.

“I have no idea”, the husband says.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.”

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet away: “What are we having for dinner?” No answer.

From 10 feet: Same thing.

From 5 feet: Same thing.

Finally, he’s standing right behind her: “What's for dinner?”

She turns around, looks at him and say's: “For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!”

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