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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”

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Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”

Patient: “Will it make me better?”

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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A woman went to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. A new doctor examined her, and after a few minutes, she began to scream and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she explained, the older doctor went to the new doctor and said, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled and said, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

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