Kagemusha

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says. “Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks. “10…” says the doctor. “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately. “10…9…8…7…”

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news? Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy: "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman from Washington, DC ", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy." You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here. Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada. Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Friggin snow plough. Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******. Dec. 25 - Merry F'ng Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-***** who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the friggin ice. Dec. 27 - More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white **** and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Dec. 28 - That ****ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the **** this time. Can you believe that he missed it by 24 inches? At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his bloody head. Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those stinkin' beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November. May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that bloody salt they put all over the roads? May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, US, Japan, India and so on. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" And they lived happily ever after.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year." Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life - just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

Why don't black kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep covering them up. What do you say to a black man in uniform? I'd like a Big Mac with fries and a coke. What do you say to a black man in a 3-piece suit? Will the defendant please rise. How was breakdancing invented? Blacks trying to steal the hubcaps off of moving cars. What's the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit? The bucket. Why do black people always have that funky walk? From dodging a coathanger the first 9 months of their lives. Why are blacks so good at basketball? It involves their 3 favorite pastimes: running, shooting, and stealing. Why don't blacks and Mexicans interbreed? They don't want kids too lazy to steal. Why do so many blacks move to Detroit? They heard there was no jobs there. Why do niggers stink? So blind people can hate them too.

HIGH SCHOOL - 1954 vs. 2024 Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1954 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2024 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1954 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2024 - Police called and SWAT team arrives - they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 1954 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2024 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1954 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 2024 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1954 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock. 2024 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1954 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2024 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1954 - Ants die. 2024 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1954 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2024 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Ce ne invata filmele americane: 1. Apartamentele mari, tip penthouse, din New York, au o chirie convenabila pentru oricine, fie el somer sau director. 2. Cel putin unul din doi gemeni identici este diabolic. 3. Daca trebuie sa dezamorsezi o bomba nu ai de ce sa-ti faci griji, intotdeauna vei alege corect firul care trebuie taiat. 4. Mai toate computerele tip laptop sunt suficient de puternice pentru a patrunde in sistemul de comunicatii al oricarei civilizatii extraterestre invadatoare. 5. Nu conteaza daca intr-o lupta martiala numarul adversarilor este foarte mare, inamicii tai vor astepta rabdatori sa te atace unul cate unul, dansand in jurul tau intr-o maniera amenintatoare, pana cand ii faci knock-out pe cei dinainte. 6. Cand stingi lumina pentru a te duce la culcare, tot ce se afla in dormitorul tau se vede perfect, numai ca intr-o usoara penumbra. 7. Daca esti blonda si draguta, este foarte probabil sa ajungi expert mondial in fisiune nucleara la varsta de 22 de ani. 8. Politistii cinstiti si muncitori sunt in mod traditional impuscati cu trei zile inainte de pensionare. 9. Decat sa risipeasca gloantele, megalomaniacii prefera sa-si ucida adversarii pe care-i prind folosind masinarii complicate, care cuprind rachete, sisteme electronice, gaze mortale, lasere sau rechini mancatori de oameni, ce le ofera prizonierilor cam 20 de minute pentru a evada. 10. Toate paturile au cearsafuri speciale, probabil in forma de L, care ajung pana la subratul femeii care doarme, dar depasesc numai cu putin coapsele barbatului de langa ea. 11. Toate pungile cu cumparaturi contin cel putin o paine-bagheta. 12. Este foarte usor pentru oricine sa piloteze un avion, pana la aterizare, urmand instructiunile cuiva din turnul de control. 13. Odata pus pe buze, rujul nu mai dispare de acolo, orice ai face, inclusiv scufundari submarine. 14. Cel mai probabil vei supravietui unei batalii, dar numai daca nu faci greseala sa arati inainte cuiva fotografia iubitei care te asteapta acasa. 15. Daca vrei se te dai drept ofiter german sau rus, nu-i nevoie sa stii limbi straine, este suficient un accent potrivit. 16. Turnul Eiffel se vede pe orice fereastra din Paris. 17. Un barbat nu va arata niciun semn de durere in cursul celor mai feroce lupte, dar se va crispa cu totul cand o femeie incearca sa-i curete zgarieturile. 18. Daca undeva se vede un panou de sticla, mai devreme sau mai tarziu cineva va trece prin el. 19. Daca locuiesc intr-o casa bantuita, femeile vor iesi - dar numai in cele mai transparente desuuri - sa vada ce este cu sunetele ciudate pe care le aud. 20. Un computer pe care trebuie sa deschizi un fisier text nu va avea cursor, dar va spune intotdeauna: "Introdu parola". 21. Cand conduci pe un drum perfect drept este intotdeauna necesar sa rotesti voiniceste de volan in stanga si in dreapta la fiecare cateva momente. 22. Toate bombele au un ceas electronic cu cifre mari si rosii, pentru a sti exact cat mai este pana la explozie. 23. Un detectiv poate rezolva un caz numai dupa ce a fost suspendat. 24. Daca te hotarasti sa dansezi pe strada, toti cei pe care ii vei intalni vor cunoaste perfect pasii. 25. Departamentele de politie dau ofiterilor teste de personalitate pentru a fi sigure ca ii vor face parteneri pe cei care se potrivesc mai putin. 26. Cand sunt singuri, toti ofiterii rusi prefera sa vorbeasca unul cu altul in engleza.

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit...' I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.' I laughed, 'Ah-ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £6 Second opinion - PRICELESS...

Adjudecat! Rămâne să vedem cum intri în posesie. Numai bine!

Bună ziua, Se donează imprimantă foto compactă Canon SELPHY CP900. Starea este impecabilă, a fost a unuia dintre băieții mei, fiind folosită ocazional, cu ani în urmă. Nu a fost folosită în ultimii 6-7 ani. Vine cu toate accesoriile necesare și pentru moment zace prin casă în cutia în care a sosit de la mama ei. Pentru cei care doresc să vadă detalii extra, puteți verifica aici. Predare personală în Măgurele, Ilfov. Trimit prin curier numai cu achitarea transportului în avans. Dacă este vreun doritor, rog să se anunțe aici, primul sosit, primul servit. Ulterior, contact la 0722.640.268, telefon, mesaj text sau WhatsApp. Dacă nu răspund la telefon sun înapoi cu proxima ocazie. Numai bine!

Acum am un Motorola Edge 40 Neo. Aș fi luat din nou OnePlus, dar mi se pare cam overkill pentru nevoile mele. Fiul meu cel mic, cel cu crypto. are două OnePlus, un 10T și un 11, dar lui nu-i prea pasă de bani. Eu, cum am menționat mai sus, îl folosesc în principal pentru mail, citit presa, WhatsApp, ceva YouTube și desigur convorbiri. Pe ăsta am dat RON 1500, iar un OnePlus sărea peste RON 4000 (ca idee, cel pe care l-am avut a fost cam RON 3000 în 2020). După o lună, pot spune că Motorola se descurcă mai mult decât onorabil (nu bag mâna-n foc pentru poze), iar bateria ține peste 48 ore la regimul de utilizare menționat anterior.

L-a luat deja, îmi pare rău.

Și una mai veche de care uitasem:

Ești primul, să-l stăpânești sănătos! Sună-mă, te rog, sau trimite mesaj să stabilim cum facem cu transferul. Numai bine!

Bună ziua! Se donează telefon OnePlus 8, din 2020. Tehnic: funcționează ireproșabil, iar bateria ține 36-48 ore în regim de utilizare normal (Internet, WhatsApp, YouTube, mail). Estetic: arată ca în poze, a fost scăpat pe jos și a crăpat partea din spate, care este din sticlă. Display-ul este perfect, fără probleme. Sistem de operare OxygenOS (pentru cine nu știe, este un Android "altoit" de chinezi). Încărcare USB tip C. Telefonul vine în cutia originală, cu încărcător, două huse (una chiar originală) și o folie de rezervă de foarte bună calitate pentru ecran. Predare personală în Măgurele, Ilfov. Trimit prin curier numai cu achitarea transportului în avans. Dacă este vreun doritor, rog să se anunțe aici, primul sosit, primul servit. Ulterior, contact la 0722.640.268, telefon, mesaj text sau WhatsApp. Dacă nu răspund la telefon sun înapoi cu proxima ocazie. Numai bine și la mulți ani!

Ultima plimbare din acest an, pe repede înainte căci trebuie să mă pregătesc pentru petrecere. Pozele nu sunt neapărat reușite, dar măcar demonstrează că sunt viu. Dacă trec cu bine peste noaptea ce urmează, mai ies și mâine cu căprița...

Jurnalul căpitanului, data stelară 202312231821: Nu prea e vreme de motorit, așa că reiau o temă mai veche, cu rezultatul unei "competiții" organizate în vară. De la ultima postare, rămăsesem dator cu desfășurarea și rezultatul "finalei" la categoria rom. Am selectat doi catindați care să lupte pentru coroniță: Dictador de 20 ani și Zacapa de 23 ani. După ce le-am gustat pe îndelete la umbră de măslin până ce aproape am gătat conținutul celor două flacoane, am declarat câștigător al competiției romul Zacapa. Diferența a facut-o, cum vă imaginați, numai părerea personală și dispoziția în care m-am aflat pe seară, după ce am consumat suficient. Acum, cred că ar trebui să precizez, nu numai pentru pasionații de rom - care cunosc asta - că cele două băuturi sunt foarte apropiate la gust și extrem de aromate - în sensul bun al cuvântului. Se potrivesc mai degrabă la ocazii, sau într-o după-amiază sau seară liniștită. Ca să fiu cinstit, atunci când beau rom, asta însemnând în viața de toate zilele, prefer un produs mai "straight", cum ar fi favoritul meu Bacardi Oro/Gold, pe care l-am avut printre "competitori", ori Barceló Añejo: Tot la fel, pentru cei ce preferă romurile aromate, care să-i facă să simtă pe limbă aroma Caraibelor, mai există și variante precum Barceló Imperial sau Flor de Caña (de la 12 ani încolo): Cam atât despre rom, în ce mă privește. Urmează un nou “episod”, despre coniac sau whisky, să vedem ce iese în urma tragerii la sorți. Între timp, Dumnezeu să vă dea sărbători fericite, cel puțin la fel ca ale mele! @shui, mulțumesc pentru mesaj și sărbători fericite! Tomiță e bun de inimă albastră, cam ca astea de mai jos: