FUN

[The Flying Dutchman]

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.
Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.
Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, “Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening.
But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

[ENEOS]

[apriliacluj]

Nici tu Ioane nu mai esti atent deloc

[pinnochio]

English,please:)

[The Flying Dutchman]

 

 

2 hours ago, apriliacluj said:

Nici tu Ioane nu mai esti atent deloc

Flipper's disease is called, and it's contagious.

[Jebelu]

1 oră în urmă, The Flying Dutchman a spus:

 

 

Flipper's disease is called, and it's contagious.

Mnaa, Flipper sindrome.

It sounds more scientific.

 

Acum 2 ore, pinnochio a spus:

English,please:)

You, Ioane, are not paying attention at all

Editat Februarie 7 de Jebelu

[apriliacluj]

1 oră în urmă, The Flying Dutchman a spus:

Flipper's disease is called, and it's contagious.

  

[Lucian_M]

Serious biznis here.

[Silver Arrow]

Acum 1 oră, Lucian_M a spus:

Serious biznis here.

Probabil ca gentile de pe carena fata sunt pline cu plumb ca sa nu se dea pe spate

[Nguyen]

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

3 hours ago, Lucian_M said:

Serious biznis here.

I couldn't see the registration plate. Anything like B-XXX-YNV?

 

On:

[ENEOS]

[Penetru]

12 inches? She is either completely stupid with math or a very lucky bitch.

[The Flying Dutchman]

[Penetru]

[The Flying Dutchman]

[apriliacluj]

Acum 8 ore, Penetru a spus:

12 inches? 

actually 14 inches, 35+ cm

 

[The Flying Dutchman]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said “Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown. On his way he passes Queens Park.
“What's that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That's Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “It’s our Provincial Government, it’s like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What's that?”
“Why, that's First Canadian Place, it's the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “why, in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than half the time.”
They continue on the way, the Cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan. “What in god’s name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says, “Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!”

[ENEOS]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, documnt their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submittd by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

[The Flying Dutchman]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!”

[Lup69]

[The Flying Dutchman]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there! I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.”

[ENEOS]